Bloaty's Pizza Hoax
by Editor-Bug
Summary: The Membranes are at Bloaty's for their family dinner, but the waiter turns out to be none other than Zim! The apprehensive Dib struggles to figure out what he's up to. ONE-SHOT! Read & review if you like!


(A/N: Hey, people. This was just a silly little idea I thought up since I've been on a bit of an IZ kick. I might've rushed it a little? Buuut I hope you like it.)

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"Daaad, when's it gonna be my turn to pick the restaurant?" Dib whined. "I'm sick of Bloaty's, it hurts to breathe and my nose leaks pizza grease!"

"Good, more for me," muttered Gaz.

"That's just what happens when you don't eat a scientifically balanced diet, son! And you wouldn't keep losing your turns if you didn't keep running late to school!" Prof. Membrane reminded him. "I can't have you missing out on sweet, precious, government-mandated education time!"

"I run late because Gaz never wakes me up!"

"Since when is it my fault you oversleep when you spend all night spying on you-know-who?" scoffed Gaz.

"See, this is why I never—!"

"Enough bickering, children," the professor interrupted. "Here comes our waiter!"

"Bu-on-a-se-ra!"

Dib's jaw dropped. "Zuh-Zuh-Zuh-ZIM...!"

The waiter was indeed Dib's mortal enemy, Zim; the only things different about his appearance were the Bloaty's Pizza Hog uniform and a thin, curved moustache on his face.

He also kept gesturing with his hands. "Sir, you have a lovely famiglia!"

"I do, don't I?" Prof. Membrane said amicably. "Thank you for noticing."

"Dad!" Dib tried to speak discreetly. "This 'waiter' is an _alien invader_!"

"No alien talk tonight, son, we're supposed to be enjoying ourselves!"

"But—!"

"Shush!"

"HOHOHO! Bambinos," chuckled Zim.

Dib narrowed his eyes at him. "Why are you Italian?"

"Son, don't just ask people why they're Italian! Show some manners. Now then, I was saying we're here to get the new Atomic Avalanche Pizza! Your commercials said they were an ATOMIC AVALANCHE of flavor!"

"Of course-a!" Zim jotted it down. "I will-a get you some ice water to start-a!"

Dib waited until he went a safe distance away. "Dad, please listen! I know what you're gonna say, but that was Zim!"

"Oh, son. Isn't that the name of that green exchange student? Isn't he a little young to be working at a pizza place?"

"No, no, he's not! Gaz, back me up here!"

"I don't believe in aliens, Dib," Gaz replied. "I'm sane."

"See? Why can't you be more sane, son? If you want, you can call your green friend when we get home."

"But! She's lying! I mean, I dunno about the 'sane' part, but she knows Zim's an alien!"

"Son! It is one thing to accuse the waiter of being an extraterrestrial, but calling your sister a liar is a skosh too far! Now you settle down or it'll NEVER be your turn to pick the restaurant."

"Kehehe," snickered Gaz.

"UGH!" Dib crossed his arms.

"Son..." Prof. Membrane sighed. "You know I'm only hard on you because I lo—ooh, our H2O is here!"

"Here-a you go! Three-a freezing cold glasses! WHOOPS!" As Zim was passing out the glasses, he "accidentally" spilled Dib's all over him.

"AGHH! Y-You jerk...!" Dib shivered. "You d-d-did that on p-purpose!"

"Hey, accidents happen!" The professor handed him some napkins. "No worries, sir, my son is going through a lunacy phase."

"HOHO! No-a worry, sir! Torno presto!" And Zim left again.

"Ech…" Dib wrung out his jacket. "Not sure why I'm bothering to ask, but can I have some of your water, Gaz?"

"Sure."

"R-Really?"

"Yep." Gaz slid her cup over to him. "Here ya go. WHOOPS!"

"AGHHH!" Dib was doused once more. "DAD!"

"Wha?" The professor had been gazing out the window.

"Look at what Gaz did!"

"No need to be so vindictive, son. Here, take my water. I'm really just excited for the pizza!"

"Oh, no!" Dib gasped. "The pizza! Dad, Zim is gonna—!"

"Not another word."

"RRRGHM!" Dib was so steamed, all the spilt water evaporated.

"Order up-a!" Zim returned with a tray. "One Atomic Avalanche Pizza!"

"Ooh, thank you! It looks great!" Prof. Membrane marveled at the huge mound of toppings. "Near-perfect cheese-sauce ratio, optimum crust thickness, and that slight atomic glow is a nice touch."

"Only the-a best for you! Please-a, I wish-a to see you take the first-a bite!"

"Ehhhh, sure!" Prof. Membrane yanked a slice out and inched it towards his mouth. "Ah..."

Sweating profusely, Dib watched Zim's grin wideni as the slice neared closer and closer...

"N-NO!" He leapt across the table and grabbed his dad's arm. "Don't eat that!"

"SON...! I know you're hungry, but get your own sli—AY AY AY!"

In the struggle, the untasted slice (which had some real weight to it) went flying out of the professor's hand and knocked against the remaining pizza, sending it and the rest of the meal splattering onto the floor.

Gaz stared at the ruined pizza with horror. "DIB...YOU...!"

"Hey, 'accidents happen'!" Dib huffed. "Right, Dad?"

"Yes, yes! It is-a my breaktime now, but I will-a make-a sure you get a new pizza, free of-a charge!" Zim bowed and ducked into the kitchen, shooting Dib a look.

"Son..." Prof. Membrane began sternly.

"HOLD THAT THOUGHT, GOTTA TAKE A DUMP!" Dib fled from the table.

He made his way across the restaurant and when no one was looking, he slipped into the kitchen. He proceeded to look around for any kind of secluded room, settling on what appeared to be a storage closet. Using all his stealth skills, he snuck through the kitchen into the closet; it was a sizable pantry stocked with supplies and ingredients. When he switched the light on, he noticed movement in the dark edges of the room.

"Zim! Show yourself!"

"Hahahahaha...so, Dib, you have finally seen through my disguise..."

"Uh, YEAH. I knew it was you from the beginning."

"Sure you did."

"...ANYWAY, tell me what you're plotting! I came prepared for this confrontation! I brought ketchup packets, you scallywag!"

"Hahaha!" Zim stepped out of the shadows. "If you're so clever, why don't you tell me?"

Dib raised an eyebrow. "Well, the obvious course of action would be to _POISON_ OUR PIZZA!"

"Nope, that's not it."

"Mm...maybe you put nanobots in the pizza! Fantastic Voyage scheming again!"

"Nuh-uh."

"Spat in it...? Put hot sauce in it? Rigged it to explode?!"

Zim shook his head. "No, no, and no."

"Then WHAT, you vile fiend?!"

"Hahahahahahaha! You have such delusions of grandeur, human! You really think I'd reserve my most diabolical plans for your outing with your deranged little family-unit?"

"Maybe?"

"The truth is, Dib, my objective tonight...is to mess with you."

"M-Mess with me? That's the ONLY reason you're doing this?"

"Yep!"

Dib's eye twitched. "You infiltrated the staff of a pizzeria just to jerk me around?!"

"Infiltrate? No, I wouldn't say that!" Zim appeared somewhat nostalgic. "I went through all the formal waitering procedures. Applied, had an interview, went through a week of training, watched the employee video, listened to some Italian audiobooks, all of that."

"BUT! Don't you remember this place is full of 'monsters'?"

"The employee video cleared everything up for me. They weren't monsters, just very, VERY, creepy-looking mascots! Everything went smoothly once I discovered that!"

"Wow, Zim...you must really hate me."

Zim smirked, gesturing toward a clock. "Five minutes, Dib. A mere five minutes until my break concludes. And once it does, I shall make your family even more annoyed with you than they already are! Hahahaha!"

"NOOOOO—why is there a clock in here...?" Dib received no answer, as he suddenly found himself alone in the pantry.

Forlorn, he dragged his feet back to his table, where his family was eating the pizza some other waiter had brought them.

"Must've been some dump," murmured Gaz.

"Want some?" Prof. Membrane offered Dib.

"No thanks."

Just then, he spotted Zim sitting on a stool between the bathroom doors. Twirling his phony moustache with anticipation. Staring with his smug, patient chameleon eyes.

Dib glanced at a clock. Time was winding down. He didn't know what to do...Gaz and his dad were taking forever to eat. They wouldn't be even halfway finished by the time Zim came back...

He was going to come back with his phony accent and his ice water. He was going to make a fool of Dib again. He was going to turn his family against him. And he was doing this all for kicks! Dib was just sitting here at this restaurant he didn't even want to be at, and Zim found it worthwhile to get himself there just so he could have fun at his expense. Gaz was chewing right in his ear. His dad wouldn't let him say anything on the matter.

Zim was making his life nothing but one cruel joke after the other..._THAT JERK._

"GRAHHH!" With a sudden and rage-fueled cry, Dib shot up in his seat. "You alien menace, you...YOU SPACE FREAK! Mock ME, will you?!"

Laughing maniacally, he took what was left of the pizza and stuffed it down his pants. Having barely eaten through their pieces, Gaz and Prof. Membrane watched with a mixture of confusion and morbid curiosity.

"Try humiliating THIS!"

He dumped all the ice water on his head and broke the glasses against his cowlick.

"Good luck embarrassing me now! HA! HA! HA! HA!"

He grabbed the salt and pepper shakers and swallowed the contents. He stuffed napkins up his nose and jammed parmesan down his boots.

"I! AM! UNTOUCHABLLLE! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

Zim looked at the clock. "Break's over."

"HA-HA!" Dib taunted him as he passed by. "You can't possibly make me look any worse than I already did! Suck on that, space boy! HAHAHAHAAA! Sabotage."

Zim nonchalantly approached the manager's office and knocked on the door until he answered it. "I quit."

"Okay!" The manager complied. "You were the weak link anyways. Your last check will be in the mail, Mr. Amolaterra."

With that, Zim marched out of the restaurant.

"...that's it?! I thought he was going to try and humiliate me! Or, did he just say that so I'd humiliate myself...? Or—? Or? OR? I won...? Ehh, I'll take it." Dib received weird looks from his family as he finally sat back down. "Sorry about that. Had to stop Zim's devious plan, y'know. Anyone want dessert?"

"Peeerhaaaps we_ have_ spent a little too much time here amongst the pizza people, son. A-And I've certainly had my fill of the stuff. Haven't you, daughter?"

"I'm NEVER too full for Bloaty's." Gaz slammed a hand on the table. "But yeah, let's go already."

"Right. You two should be heading home," the professor checked his watch. "And I should be heading back to the lab. Those radioactive rats won't experiment on themselves!"

"Ooh!" Dib perked up. "Can I go with you?"

"Haha, no. Just go get a good night's sleep, son. Please. You need it."

"Not as much as you need a shower," added Gaz. "You look like a living pizza roll."

"Oh, yeah." Dib shook himself off. "Mayhap I went a little overboard."

"You think?"

"This should cover it." Prof. Membrane left a huge bag of money on the table before the trio exited Bloaty's Pizza Hog. "Daughter, make sure your pizzatized brother gets home alright! Don't want any wild animals munching on him or anything. Haha."

"Yeah, what kinda sicko would want that?" Gaz hissed.

Dib gulped. "Dad, please take me with you."

"No." Booster rockets protruded from each side of Prof. Membrane's goggles and lifted him high into the air. "FAREWELL, CHILDREN!"

Gaz heard some rustling in the bushes. "Oh, look, Dib. A prickle of porcupines. I wonder if they like pizza..."

"Ah, crud."

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(A/N: So yeah, I hope you got some amusement outta this. Maybe it was a lil vent-y, since I've been so annoyed with my family and others lately. But anyway, please review, fave, and check out my profile for more fics. Buh-bye.)


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